Creative

Being constructive when feeling destructive.

Turning feelings of despair and rejection into something artistic and worthwhile

You’d think I’d be used to this by now. Rejection. I had plenty of boys reject my affections at school. I got rejected from studying at a top university despite achieving the right grades and doing extra work. You’d think that after all of those unfortunate experiences, I’d be able to brush off rejections from companies and graduate schemes quite easily. But I can’t – especially ones that I’ve had the ‘pleasure’ to interview for. However hard I try to stay positive, one email can send me spiralling into a pattern of disappointment and self-destruction.

Luckily, I am not letting those emotions dictate my actions. As I’ve written about before, you can’t control your emotions, but you can control what you do with them. So last night, rather than wallowing in my state of affairs, I decided to let my thoughts flow in a more constructive medium. Because even though it’s annoying getting upset over something that will seem so trivial few years down the line, at least I can say I got a reflective poem out of it. So here it goes:

Hesitation

In a time of female emancipation,
All I feel is manipulation,
Feminism is meant to bring elation,
but a man’s stare fills me with trepidation,
“Make-up is for me”, I say,
As I crave a male’s invitation.
What a problematic statement.

I am one with my nation,
But my flesh embodies appropriation.
Privilege confusing injustice with frustration.
No one defines us as terrorists. They should.
Enslavement was a Western creation.
Fuck off Aristotle with your declarations of civilisation.

And I say I just need a job and a salary,
But all I do is stare at the wall blankly,
Milking my mother of her dowry,
My father of his sanity –
I cry at the state of the world
as the fruits of their labour fill my teeth with cavities –
Oh, the vanity.

Because I am a contradiction.
A girl whose truth is woven with fiction.
I am a self-love preacher seeking phallic validation,
An ally profiting in a war zone of domination,
A job-hunter with first world problems, no motivation.

So “What can you do to make the world a better place?”
Don’t ask me that question.
I am a hypocrite.
I’ll only bring more rage, confusion and devastation.

(This post was updated on 14/01/18).

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