Diary of an Anxious Person (Part 2)

Honesty is the best policy...

I owe you guys an apology. I have lied to you. I have been inauthentic and for that, I am sorry. It was honestly never my intention. When I started writing my last post, I was genuinely eager to review “Diary of a CEO”  because I have enjoyed it and I do feel like I have learnt a lot from it. However, what I failed to mention was that on top of the positivity I gathered from practicing the exercise, some negative and concerning things surfaced too. There was such a mish-mash of contemplations, in fact, that midway through drafting my post, I had no idea how I was going to end it. Out of frustration and confusion, I messaged my boyfriend for advice, who told me to wait and sleep on it. After a debate with myself however, I wrote the conclusion and posted anyway. I had already spent hours writing to you all and I wanted to leave you with something motivating and inspiring.

Now, I wish I hadn’t. Why? Because ultimately, the strength and positivity I portrayed wasn’t true – ironic since one of the things I’ve been struggling with lately is how fake people are. Other thoughts (and actual bullet points in my diary) included:

“Is life about experiencing as many things as possible or finding stability?”

“Good intentions aren’t always enough.”

“Is it really anxiety when all I have are first world problems?”

I think its obvious why I didn’t include these thoughts in my post on Sunday – because they didnt fit the general tone. And whilst I think it’s admirable that I tried to raise my spirits by injecting positivity into my conclusion, it didn’t feel right. I guess it was hard to admit my true feelings because I’ve been working so hard on my mental health, that I wanted to force myself into staying optimistic. It seems I’ve even become a bit of perfectionist over conquering my anxiety – eesh!

So, to get to the point of this mini update on my life, I guess I just wanted to say that the road of recovery isn’t always a smooth one and that’s okay. We tend to learn the most in hardship, so although I don’t feel great right now and I’m questioning so many things about my life, I know I will be okay eventually.

And because I feel like social media and the constant validation I seek from it have factored into my well-being, I’m signing off for a while. Various apps have been deleted and the only way you can contact me now is through my phone number. I’m not even going on Facebook to upload this post (oh, the beauty of connecting WordPress to social media!).

So if you’ve been annoyed you haven’t been able to reach me, I’m sorry.

But then again, if it’s not worth texting or calling me over, is it even that urgent?

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